You are doing it. All the work to heal. I was a clown at 22 when my 24 year old brother died. It was national news (in the late 90’s) and I didn’t know how to be a person anymore. I reeled for 3 years and it derailed my plans, my education, etc blah blah. 26 years later and I can’t count how many beautiful people I have met and experiences I’ve had because of his passing. It’s like he knew how profoundly unbearable losing him would be so his spirit keeps trying to make up for it with gifts from the afterlife.
I’ll come see you in Portland. It’s ok to keep being hilarious even though your heart is cracked open and visible to the audience. We’re all just a bunch of weirdos spinning on a rock in an infinite universe. Whatever. Love to you.
Blair I am so sorry you’re going through this. I know the pain well and I know how isolating it can feel even surrounded by people with the best intentions. The pain will get easier to live with, but until then just feel it and cry. I found at home yoga for grief especially helpful - Yoga with Adriene is my favorite on YouTube. I’m not always great with words but I wanted to offer some words of comfort, and send love. ❤️
I don’t know who said it but I love the quote, “you only truly die when you’re forgotten”. As long as you keep your brother’s memory alive he won’t truly be gone.
I totally get saving the voicemails: I have a voicemail I saved of my grandfather singing me happy birthday before he passed.
If you check your deleted messages you can see if there are more voicemails that you can save.
As for being funny… you’re such a great comedian because there’s no comedian like you. Be yourself, that’s always worked.
Oh my goodness Blair. I am so sorry that RJ isn't here.
I didn't know he even existed until I began reading about how you lost him but you have made me closely feel the horrible wrongness of the lack of him in the world.
It feels quite special and meaningful to learn about this special being RJ, that I could so easily have never encountered at all.
Reading that first paragraph after last week's entry brought me so much emotion, especially relief and gratitude. Maybe it's strange to say that in the face of your horrible loss.
But it just... Life is so hard. There are emotions that are so hard to put into words or even... There are experiences and emotions that asked to be named and shared, they call out for it, they cry and even scream for it; but somehow it's so hard to find a way to get to know them or name them in any real way.
And there are so many deeply difficult things that people will only acknowledge briefly and then they have to move on.
I can only speak for myself but I imagine others are like me: There's immense relief in you sharing about your loss of RJ in a way that helps to name and hold how hard it is to lose someone. How impossibly wrong. How indescribably indescribable. And your words really help give form to that in a way that eases something for me. I'm so grateful.
And I'm so so so sorry.
I want to mention again that it's very meaningful to me to learn about RJ.
I hope you will keep writing and writing about him as long as you have the urge to. It feels like such a gift.
AND this is extremely well written, I'm angry that you didn't even proofread! If you're ever doing a show in Boise I will come and I will love it whatever shape you're in, and whatever you talk about. I know this already.
You are doing it. All the work to heal. I was a clown at 22 when my 24 year old brother died. It was national news (in the late 90’s) and I didn’t know how to be a person anymore. I reeled for 3 years and it derailed my plans, my education, etc blah blah. 26 years later and I can’t count how many beautiful people I have met and experiences I’ve had because of his passing. It’s like he knew how profoundly unbearable losing him would be so his spirit keeps trying to make up for it with gifts from the afterlife.
I’ll come see you in Portland. It’s ok to keep being hilarious even though your heart is cracked open and visible to the audience. We’re all just a bunch of weirdos spinning on a rock in an infinite universe. Whatever. Love to you.
Blair I am so sorry you’re going through this. I know the pain well and I know how isolating it can feel even surrounded by people with the best intentions. The pain will get easier to live with, but until then just feel it and cry. I found at home yoga for grief especially helpful - Yoga with Adriene is my favorite on YouTube. I’m not always great with words but I wanted to offer some words of comfort, and send love. ❤️
♥️
♥️
We love Blair
❤️’s
I don’t know who said it but I love the quote, “you only truly die when you’re forgotten”. As long as you keep your brother’s memory alive he won’t truly be gone.
I totally get saving the voicemails: I have a voicemail I saved of my grandfather singing me happy birthday before he passed.
If you check your deleted messages you can see if there are more voicemails that you can save.
As for being funny… you’re such a great comedian because there’s no comedian like you. Be yourself, that’s always worked.
Oh my goodness Blair. I am so sorry that RJ isn't here.
I didn't know he even existed until I began reading about how you lost him but you have made me closely feel the horrible wrongness of the lack of him in the world.
It feels quite special and meaningful to learn about this special being RJ, that I could so easily have never encountered at all.
Reading that first paragraph after last week's entry brought me so much emotion, especially relief and gratitude. Maybe it's strange to say that in the face of your horrible loss.
But it just... Life is so hard. There are emotions that are so hard to put into words or even... There are experiences and emotions that asked to be named and shared, they call out for it, they cry and even scream for it; but somehow it's so hard to find a way to get to know them or name them in any real way.
And there are so many deeply difficult things that people will only acknowledge briefly and then they have to move on.
I can only speak for myself but I imagine others are like me: There's immense relief in you sharing about your loss of RJ in a way that helps to name and hold how hard it is to lose someone. How impossibly wrong. How indescribably indescribable. And your words really help give form to that in a way that eases something for me. I'm so grateful.
And I'm so so so sorry.
I want to mention again that it's very meaningful to me to learn about RJ.
I hope you will keep writing and writing about him as long as you have the urge to. It feels like such a gift.
Kindfully,
Heidi
AND this is extremely well written, I'm angry that you didn't even proofread! If you're ever doing a show in Boise I will come and I will love it whatever shape you're in, and whatever you talk about. I know this already.