Way Down In The Hole

Sorry

MOM DO NOT READ THIS PLEASE IT WILL UPSET YOU AND I DON’T WANT YOU TO BE UPSET CUZ YOU ARE MY PERFECT ANGEL

I haven’t written on here in almost seven weeks. My goal was to not go more than two weeks without a post so that I could document this horrifying time in my life and not isolate. I have failed. I am in pure survival mode. It’s not going well, folks. I have to keep working and living so you see good moments posted on Instagram (that make no mistake, I am extremely grateful for) — but the truth is, I’m hanging on by a thread. It’s been a little over four months since we lost RJ and I swear to god it feels like four years since I last saw him. He feels like a mirage to me that I’m desperately trying to snatch back, but can’t. Cruel. It makes me sick. Yesterday, I cried the entire day. I couldn’t stop. And the day before that too. People ask me to do things and I just say I’m sorry I can’t move or stop crying.

And I also can’t stop saying sorry lol (even though I believe women need to stop constantly saying sorry) because I feel like I’m so overwhelming to everyone in my life cuz I just say the same thing over and over. I have nothing new to say. It’s endless crying. So heavy. Everyone has been beyond supportive but still, I just feel like I’m terrifying when I call people choke crying (even though none of them have made me feel like this even in the slightest). And then I feel this bone tiredness, just exhaustion on a level I had no idea about. Which is a whole thing because the main thing I need to do to stay up is be around people — and yet, it’s the very last thing I feel like doing while simultaneously being the ONLY thing that makes me feel better!!! (besides the new episode of South Park and pictures of Queen Elizabeth frowning in lime green suits).

People keep telling me they’re “so proud” of me for being “so open about my feelings” and “wearing my heart on my sleeve” but, (although so generous to say) I have to laugh because I am simply incapable of keeping any thought or feeling inside me. It feels like I am being swallowed alive and I am just trying to gasp for air. This in combination with late diagnosed AuDHD and hardcore unmasking lol.

So much has happened and changed since I last wrote. I had a beautiful impromptu trip to Idaho with our closest family friends. Sat in the river and drank a beer. Let the trees hold me and the adorable kids make me laugh. Everything in me craves nature. I am not meant to live in a city. I need to live on a ranch in the forest with donkeys and a sweet as pie pitbull named Jerry. That guy I was so excited about dating dumped my ass. He said my situation was too intense. I completely understood. It’s only been a month since we broke up but somehow feels like years ago now.

I went to Portland and received the warmest welcome. It was so healing. A bunch of comic friends happened to be there at the same time, and that was great. Sean Jordan was with me all weekend, and he’s the kindest and so hilarious. He does comedy in this effortless way that I cannot relate to at all as a full maniac on stage lol. It’s crazy how easy he makes it look. Kyle Kinane came to one of my shows just to watch and I randomly got so nervous and had such an insane bizarre set even though I have known the man for ten years and nobody is nicer or more supportive on the earth despite being a living legend. I also reconnected with one of my dearest oldest friends, Maggie Baird. It was so good for my soul. Your body tells you everything you need to know about people, and whenever I am with Maggie I feel so at peace and happy.

I made a joke about RJ for the first time on stage in Portland, it was silly about what he’s like now as a ghost. It felt odd but just came out. The crowd laughed and I moved on quickly from the subject but then after the show, when I was meeting people and taking pictures — about ten people in a row came up to me and said how sorry they were for my loss and it was SO sweet but by the tenth person I unexpectedly burst out crying in front of everyone and ran into the green room and laid on the floor and stared at the ceiling for 45 minutes until the second show started. Then, during the second show I had 1.5 glasses of wine and made fun of a bachelor party for basically an entire hour. I wish to god that one was filmed. CONTENT IS KING (jk ew). Lance Bangs texted me at 5:15 on my last night inviting me to dinner with Fred Armisen and Sleater Kinney and I got the text too late because I was taking a 40 minute cry shower. Can you imagine missing that dinner??? Biggest fumble of my life. Lance is so sweet and generous.

I also saw #1blairsoccifan in Portland. For those of you who used to follow me on Twitter (before I deleted it for being satanic), you know the lore of #1blairsoccifan. He is this hot dude from the Pacific Northwest who used to be an English teacher and is now an agent for department of wild life and game (I forget the exact nomenclature okay my brain is operating at like 4%). He brought me a bunch of sour candy as real ones do. He writes me kind messages and sent me a giant Godiva valentine to the Comedy Store which actually made me feel so good since I was valentine-less and it is my favorite holiday. Too bad we are star crossed lovers from the internet who live thousands of miles away. Hi Joe, if you’re reading this.

Last night, I had the privilege of attending one of my best friend’s, Amy Silverberg’s book launch at Skylight Books in Los Feliz (go buy First Time, Long Time now!). I was so proud and so inspired!! It was truly rom com level magical. Not only is the book incredible, she is incredible. And as I was sitting there in the audience, watching her be so charming and so herself, I had the thought — Oh wow, this is what I dreamed of as a little girl, growing up and being friends with amazing artists, I’m so lucky!!! I left rejuvenated and inspired to get off my ass and finish some of my 1 million writing projects. I also plan to write a (non-fiction) book about this year, so look out for that. Hopefully, I will complete it before 2045.

I have one more tour date in Dallas on August 2nd. I pray people buy tickets. It’s been really hard to sell tickets because everyone leaves Dallas in the summer lol. It’s annoying because I sold a bunch of tickets for my original Dallas Comedy Club date because Marc Maron said it on stage when we were touring in Dallas together a week before RJ. I was sending RJ pictures of our venues nightly and was so excited to tell him that The Flaming Lips were at our show (RJ introduced me to The Flaming Lips when I was a kid). Then, RJ happened and I had to reschedule. Now, I’m basically pleading every day for people to buy tickets lol. Oh well, what will be, will be. I just pray they don’t cancel it. One more week to move some tickets. I’ll survive either way. It will be my last tour date til the fall. I am going to Croatia in August with one of RJ’s dear friends from college whom I love. Her family has a place there and she generously invited me to come. So, off I go. Don’t worry, I only spent 1 million dollars I do not have on new bikinis. Hopefully, my husband will bump into me on the beach there so that they will suddenly just be a wise investment.

I am so grateful for my family that I adore, my friends that I adore, and anyone I don’t know who follows me or cares even in the slightest or buys tickets to my shows or comments on or shares a video. I am so grateful to live the creative life I always dreamed of and to have my health and so much love in my life. I am grateful for the sun and for prozac and for electrolytes and sour candy and for my genius therapist, Catie. I am grateful for life’s weird delights and surprises despite all the heart wrenching pain. I am grateful for the trees and dogs and babies. I am grateful for banh mi and spring rolls and Italian sandwiches and hot dogs. I am grateful for all the hugs and soft blankets and Spindrifts. And I am grateful for any laugh I can get or smile. I’m grateful I got to have RJ for almost 43 years. How special. I’m grateful I still get to have sweet Hayden. I’m grateful for the future family I don’t have yet but I pray comes soon. I’m grateful for my huge fucking hats and Korean sunscreen too.

I love you all. (I didn’t proofread any of this even a little, sorry)