Wading Through The Darkness

Life is crazy

I am currently in my childhood bedroom with a mouth full of coconut oil. It’s called oil pulling, an ancient Ayurvedic (Indian Medicine practice) ritual meant to purify the entire body. I don’t know if it’s gonna cut it right now, there’s A LOT to purify pal, but it feels nice after I’m done. A small accomplishment. I just got back from a four mile cry walk. I go even when I don’t feel like it because I know movement is good for dislodging emotions out of your body. And also so I don’t get fat I guess. That would just be rude of RJ on top of already dealing with my heart being cruelly sawed out of my chest.

It’s been a little over two months since he’s been gone and the first six weeks I couldn’t eat all. Now all I want to do is numb and stuff my hole (the above neck one). Ate tacos again last night after taking a two week break. My hyper fixation food. Everyone in my family is saying that they’ve aged 20 years. I feel like that too. I pray to God it hasn’t visibly sped up time on my face. I feel like a weathered old dock worker. Rude again.

I still cry every single day. It hurts so much. The spectrum of feelings I experience over every 24-hour cycle is absolute bedlam. I can go from perfectly happy to violent sobbing in the blink of an eye. And I do. Lunacy. Everything reminds me of him. Every time I go to text or call him and suddenly remember I can’t. It also feels like my brain is fully out of order. I can’t remember anything cuz I’m in a trauma cloud. It’s impossible to focus. I often get up to do something and then almost instantly am unable to remember what for. My ADHD has multiplied to oblivion (like the rabbits in Minecraft). Everyone says the first year is a blackout.

I’m also listening to this Jason Isbell album I’ve never heard before right now and it feels like he’s singing deep into my body deep into the core of my central nervous system (I don’t know science, whatever). His music is so melancholic and achy and beautiful.

I’m getting ready to go to Seattle tomorrow. My mom is going with me on the road this weekend. We’re flying out very early out of John Wayne airport in Orange County. I am very happy because I think I’d lose my mind alone a third weekend in a row on the road. However, my mom has only seen me do stand-up one time at my special taping so it’s also very funny to me and surreal that she’s coming. I love her so much. Luckily, nothing can shock anybody in my family ever again. Everything changed over night. I can’t wait for her to hear me scream about loud cars and autism lol. I know you guys are probably thinking, damn she talks about autism a lot. But guess what, I just got diagnosed a month before RJ died so I’m really in the trenches with relating to/understanding myself in a million brand new ways right now. Thankfully, nothing matters.

It’s also odd that there’s an ever flowing stream of people who are just now finding out. I get these panicked texts every day and they’re all very sweet. And I understand completely, because I’ve been there as someone who follows zero people on Instagram (people often think I’m a villain for this but I do it for mental health reasons and it really helps). I’ve always said that the only drawback from the complete bliss of not following anyone is sometimes finding out about people’s deaths bizarrely late. So if you’re reading this, don’t feel guilty at all.

It’s so mysterious who shows up for you and who doesn’t in this scenario. How does God (still mad at you, if you’re reading this) decide who to send? Some of the people who have emerged as huge support are from way back in my past, or just a kind of random acquaintance who is unfortunately deeply familiar with loss and grief, or even a few people I had falling outs with when I was young. Regardless, my family and I are extremely lucky with the overwhelming love that people have shown us. And then there are the people scared to talk to me. Which I also understand. Death affects them in a way that is uncomfortable or they feel unsure of what to say or afraid of my potential emotions or awkwardness. And some of the people in this group are pretty close, longtime friends. Also, okay. I understand now more than ever that nobody really knows what to do. We’re all trying to get through. Grace.

How were the first few weekends back on tour, you ask? The first weekend in Denver, I cried the entire time I wasn’t on stage. I was feeling so raw and unsure of myself, but the shows actually turned out to be super fun. I was lucky to have one of my UCLA volleyball teammates come be with me both nights which really helped. Amazing kindness and sense of community from a way overloaded mother of four. And one of my favorite Denver locals, Matt Cobos, opened and is always so funny and such a great hang. Was grateful for him, too. Also, the sweet friends who sent various treats to the green room. Unbelievably thoughtful surprise. The club manager asked if it was my birthday. I said uh no, kinda the opposite. Lucky to have such good friends.

Then, I went to Springfield, Missouri last weekend. They put me up in a really nice hotel which was a beautiful little miracle. Also, the cashew chicken I had there. Did you know that Springfield is famous for their own style of cashew chicken? I was previously unaware, as someone visiting Springfield for the very first time. But, the club liaison and driver, Randy, got me right up to speed during the ride from the airport. He also regaled me with every other fact about Springfield. He told me I’m “very quiet”. And then they had a 93-year-old man open for me (well, one of the openers). I know you want to say, Blair, you’re exaggerating. But I promise you, dear reader, I am not. Comedy is crazy. Two other fantastic local comics also opened, Corbin LeMaster and Miss Meike. The shows were super fun though and I liked the club a lot. Everyone who works there was so nice. I felt a lot stronger with one weekend in Denver already under my belt. I somehow lock in on stage and channel the old me. I tap into something and momentarily exit the grief cloud and I am quick again and able to have fast thoughts for one hour. Then, after it all disappears like a mirage.

Other things I wanted to discuss but this is already too long and I’m exhausted—

— Sinners - I wasn’t gonna see it because I can’t watch horror movies. They wreck my nervous system. I’m so sensitive, I can’t watch violence or gore. But, everyone promised me I would love it. So I went and they were right. It was spectacular. I encourage everyone to see this one in theaters to get the full experience.

— Greek food - I will have to write more about this on another post because I’m obsessed. I have deep passion for this. I went to this dank ass place in Springfield two days in a row called Greek Belly. Grilled Halloumi, are you kidding me? I can see how greek food is tied to the gods from thousands of years ago. Totally excellent.

—The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion - I listened to this on audiobook. Did you know that almost every audiobook is on Spotify premium? My whole life has changed since I discovered this. I can’t really read right now because I can’t focus so I’ve been doing audiobooks on my walks and in the car. I’ve known about this book for two decades and I always said I’m gonna wait til I can relate to it. The book is about Didion’s experience with grief. Let me tell you, it hit.

—Rihanna’s pregnant again. I’m so happy for that fertile ass woman and her hot husband and beautiful family.

—American Pope. Wow.

—Secret Live of Mormon Wives - Incredible. What a heel turn from Demi. Did not see that coming. I am also obsessed with the fact that these women are all like 24 and have each had multiple marriages lol. They really keep it fast and free over there in Utah. They all have the same hair, lashes, and clothes. It’s very difficult to tell them apart so it forces me to concentrate really hard.

—Beef liver supplements - I know you’re saying to yourself, now she’s really lost it but real Blair Bears know I’m deeply addicted to TikTok and constantly finding new habits. I hope to be fortified in mind and body as promised.

Okay, that’s all I must go pack for Seattle now and dye my eyebrows so they’re not clear. Hope to see you there at The Crocodile - Here After for two shows tomorrow. Tickets here (and for all the other dates on my tour - Sacramento, San Francisco, Portland, Dallas, and more tba) - punchup.live/blairsocci/tickets. Love you all, thanks for reading.

B