Another Post About My Brother

I will stop counting days since the funeral, but it's been almost a month if you must know

Hello Fellow Travelers,

I had cereal for dinner (Protein Special K) not like Fruity Pebbles or anything insane like that, I’m mature. I miss my brother so much it feels like I got shot in the chest. My body physically hurts. I wonder if it will always be like this.

My heart is broken in a way I didn’t even know hearts could break. Anything I thought I knew about life has gone out the window. It’s all a deviant mystery to me now. One of our lifelong friends said it was like we were psychically connected. I can’t stop crying. Every single day I cry. I can’t stop looking at pictures because I don’t want to forget one thing about him. So many memories flood back all day long that I haven’t thought about in years. When I’m at the grocery store and they ask me how my day is, I want to say my brother died and I can’t breathe, but I just say well thank you how about you instead as to not be insane.

I walked the reservoir yesterday with Greta. Saw a baby deer. It stared at me for a long time. I stared back. I hope her mom was nearby. She never appeared.

I went to the dentist and got my teeth cleaned. Which is basically like voluntarily going to Guantanamo Bay for an autistic person. My teeth feel good now though. Slippery smooth like a dolphin. I go to an all female dentist practice. Isn’t that interesting? I wonder if they have a no male hiring policy or it just happened like that coincidentally. Maybe they don’t want any dude dentists sneakin’ looks down your XXL tee at your bazungas when you got a bite block in.

I started doing comedy again. The first show back I had to cancel because I was crying too much. Apologies to Ms. Kara Klenk. The next night, I tried again and actually made it to the venue for this big fundraiser show. It was on top of Mulholland Drive. The show went very well and I cried the second I got off stage in Kurt Braunohler’s arms. I was so afraid of being in front of anyone. It was so confronting. Like this huge monkey on my back. The third night, I went back to the Comedy Store for the first time since RJ died. My name was on the marquee. I teared up any time someone hugged me or offered condolences. It made me realize how much of a family I have built over there the last several years. The set went well though. I asked RJ to help me. I guess he did.

And then on Monday I did the craziest show of my entire life lol. Of course when I feel like this. The lineup was Dan Levy, John Mulaney, Nick Kroll, Neal Brennan, Ali Wong, Gary Gulman, and me at Largo. I talked in depth with Neal, and Gulman, and Dan, and Flanny. The nice thing about comics is you can be honest in a way that is not as prevalent with normies. Comics don’t flinch at all when you tell them how you’re really doing. I hadn’t seen Gary since my New York days. He writes mostly about mental health so we spoke candidly about that. I told him his tips help me a lot. He’s such a sweetie. I had to follow Mulaney lol. I walked out on stage and was like well they let one non famous bitch on this show you guys better make me look good or I will genuinely have to move out of state tomorrow. It went very well though. Thank God.

I start my tour tomorrow in Denver. I am scared. But at least the people of Denver are always so awesome to me. I love it there. I can’t believe I’m touring when I feel like this but I don’t know what else to do. I already had to cancel so many dates. I have to work. It seems like I still know how to do comedy from my shows the last few weeks though. Even though I feel like a fraud. I guess we’ll see. Maybe it will be amazing, who knows.

Another HUGE update — I got a reverse osmosis water system installed in my apartment and it ruined my life (well, the second thing to ruin it, obviously). The faucet is so slow that I don’t even want to use it and the guy installed it wrong so only hot water comes out!!! At least it also cost a million dollars. I could have spent that money on a bitchy face laser I stg.

I have more skincare product updates for you guys too but I need to save them for another post because my energy is in decline.

Oh I also talked to a medium last week lol. One of RJ’s dear friends from college who is now my dear friend gifted it to me. I was scared. The medium told me RJ is with me and that he said that I have to keep doing comedy. I was like sheesh pretty bossy from the after life, huh? She said he was laughing at that. She told me very specific ways he will communicate with me. I don’t know if any of it’s real. She also told me I’m a psychic medium and that I will be getting married soon lol. And a lot of other stuff I can’t say here because it sounds too nutty.

I also got rose incense that I’ve been burning. It makes my whole apartment smell like roses and it’s supposed to heal your heart. It’s honestly incredible and I must say I recommend rose incense to all.

Anyway, come see me on tour please. I really need you. I know this post is probably not a great selling point lol but I will turn it on. Tickets here: punchup.live/blairsocci/tickets

Thanks for reading, I love you. Hug your loved ones tight.

Love,

B