Aliens

They’ve been soft launching aliens and nobody cares — except me.

I care so much. I’m obsessed. I’m so excited. Also, everyone owes Tom DeLonge an apology. You’re all sick.

I want my alien to walk me like a dog. I feel like aliens are gonna like my vibe. I just do. I think the aliens will feel about me the way tourists feel about the old party guy at the surf shack in Hawaii that they remember forever because he was jolly and had eccentric speech patterns and made them all mai tai’s. That will be me to the aliens.

When the aliens come down, I would like them to fix my brain. I would first like them to disconnect the wire that has caused me to be deeply afraid of movie theater bathrooms. My whole life I’ve been fighting for my life in there. I was born with a small bladder and an insatiable drive for maximum hydration so you can only imagine how this has affected me. Every time I go in a movie theater bathroom it’s completely empty. Why are they always empty?!! Always empty…except for me…and the murderer in there that I can’t see. Because he’s standing on a toilet so I can’t see his feet on the ground. In the stall next to me because he knows me and he’s there for me. The same one that’s been following me since I was a child. Do you think the aliens can fix this?????

I do think they’re benevolent. Like they’ve been around this whole time letting us play our own hand like little toddlers just keeping an eye out to make sure we don’t blow ourselves up.

But why are they deciding to tell us now? That’s what I want to know. I don’t think I believed in aliens two years ago. I only started slightly considering the idea when they slyly dropped it in 2021 during covid.

What if the aliens are only being revealed to us now because the alien men got tired of alien women and are looking to trade up with human women like second wives? Tale as old as the galaxy. Oops, my therapist says I have to continue “working on my overall concept of men”. I am comforted by the fact that the aliens do not appear to have genitalia from the rudimentary pictures I’ve seen in my cursory google searches, nothin’ there, just a smooth mound like E.T. Ken dolls. Unless they have a secret button that pops their wieners out or something. Hopefully not.

Or maybe the women are the rulers in the alien world and they also want to be in love with human women? That would be cool like lesbian Mad Max alien invasion. Not like porn, but inspiring. Don’t be gross on my substack. I actually don’t think the aliens have any gender. They’re obviously way past that. We can probably confirm this with Tom Delonge??

What if the aliens became obsessed with bird scooters? That would be a twist, right. Would be a fun visual in this lifetime to see them riding around on Melrose with their huge alien heads and string bean legs. Or what if an alien goes on Jeopardy but it only happens the one time because they already know all the answers before each question is even asked and so the other two contestants become irate and sue? But we don’t have an intergalactic court yet so they just go nuts on Twitter and Ben Shapiro’s show.

But they do appear to be scared of us, or scared of being seen by us I should say — at least that’s how the ones in the documentary, Moment of Contact, from Brazil in 1994 were described. How did I hear of this obscure movie, you ask? From my brother’s friend who listens to the podcast, Joe Rogan. Ah, when interests collide.

I’m excited. Men in Black is famously one of my favorite cinematic trilogies. And we are maybe about to live it. Hopefully, in a far less jarring way. I’ve always been such a fan of Will Smith. I know you’re not allowed to say that if you’re a comedian any more. Can’t say anything these days, I guess.